Happy New Year, everyone!

It’s roughly 6.75 hours away from the rolling over of one year into the next. I figured I’d take this moment to wish everyone a happy new year and hope and pray that it is a prosperous one for you. At times like this, people frequently like to make lists of things that made the previous year stand out or lists of things that they expect will happen in the upcoming year. I’m going to refrain from both of those things because I expect that you already know what happened in the last year better than I do, and my predictions of what will happen in the upcoming year will just embarrass me if I have to look at it by the end of the year.

I will say this: it seems that Vista didn’t take the world by storm the way I expected that it might last year. *laugh* I’ve had a free copy (thanks to school) sitting in a folder for about a year now. I can’t bring myself to actually install it as my primary OS. Heck, I can’t even bring myself to install it as a secondary OS. I brought myself to install it as a Virtual Machine, but soon tired of that and deleted it.

Something that I did do which some of you may be at least moderately interested in was set up a Shoutcast server. If you don’t know what Shoutcast is, that’s okay. Just head over to http://www.shoutcast.com and see what they tell you about it. If you have iTunes or Winamp installed, you can tune in to my cast right now by clicking this link. Clicking here will tell you info about what’s currently playing, how many people are tuned in, and what was playing in the recent past. Finally, clicking here will tell you what my playlist consists of. If you find what’s currently playing, you can find out what’s coming up next. Okay, I think that’ll do it for now. Happy New Year, everyone.

Oh, if you’re wondering what my resolutions are…you should know that I don’t make them. Sorry to disappoint like that.

I've decided...

to stop resetting the timer. I'm now just going to make new timers. Why? I don't know. Maybe my mind will change later. Maybe someday I'll actually have an interesting post to post. At the moment, this blog is just something of a therapeutic outlet for me, and I'm not particularly happy with it serving that sort of purpose exclusively.

The Anniversary

Today is an anniversary. Well, "today" being Friday. I can't remember off the top of my head which anniversary it is, though.

I mean, I know what it's the anniversary of; I just don't remember how many years it's been. Give me a moment...

Let’s see. Met in fall ’02, started “dating” in spring ’03, so that must mean that the first occurrence of the event which I “Celebrate” every 28th of December was in 2003. What was it that happened…only 4 years ago? Well, the evening (the 27th, actually) started with a movie, then I drove her to her house to drop her off. After hanging out for I have no idea how long, we migrated outside to visit before I left to go home. For the longest time, these words had bounced around my head (hers too, I knew), but they had never been said. Until early that morning when she practically blurted out “I love you, Brian.” I got real quiet, and then continued the conversation as though nothing had been said. I knew she meant the words. I knew that I wanted to return them, but something more than “I love you too” was warranted. It was probably a half-hour later before I finally told her, “I want you to know that I love you too.” It wasn’t a matter of being scared of saying it; it was a matter of how important to me it was that she know how deliberate the decision to say those words was.

We talked later about that night – on many occasions. There was nothing we didn’t discuss at times. We’d critique one another’s gaffes, blunders, and complement each other’s shining moments. We’d discuss what we were thinking at past times of strong emotions, and generally try to analyze everything past and present to help the future.

Anyway, that previous paragraph isn’t really germane. What is important is that you know how strong those words were. Both of us knew that in uttering those words, we’d be making a commitment to the other person. It was a commitment that we each knew would be as strong as marriage vows. Not as strong as marriage vows are legally, but as strong as they are if the wording is to be taken literally.

What commitment was implicit in this statement I made?

This one: I will be patient with you and kind to you. I will not envy (you or others), nor boast or be proud of my own accomplishments. I’ll not be rude or more concerned for my well-being than for that of others. I’ll not be easily angered and I’ll forget past wrongs committed against me. I will always protect, trust, hope, and persevere. This I promise unto you until one of us dies or you release me from it of your own volition.

Every one of those statements was in my conscious mind when I uttered those words 4 years ago. And I meant them with all my heart. In case you’re wondering, she has released me from that commitment (of her own volition), but it hasn’t helped me to feel any less obligated to keep those promises I made. I know that I’m not responsible for them in the same way that I once was, but I still find it difficult (to say the least) to “move on” with my life. I’ve not yet learned how to reconcile my past commitments to ‘her’ with potential future commitments I may want to make with another ‘her.’ I’ll have to release myself, I suppose. Mostly I just hope that I never have to confront that situation. I know there’s more than a few of you out there who hope/pray/expect that I’ll meet a girl in the near future and it’ll all be roses and we’ll get married and then my parents can have grandchildren…but I think I still hope that I’ve already met her and that it won’t be very long before she realizes it.

Goodnight, all. Farewell, December 28, 2007.

It has stopped!

The continual influx of Christmas music at work has stopped. This makes me uncontrollably happy. You have no idea. You know how happy you would be if the most annoying and grating thing of your life suddenly disappeared? That's how happy I am.

In other news....

This has to be my favorite XKCD yet.

To 'her'

Half of me hopes you read this. The other half hopes you don't. By 'this' I mean the blog in general, and not this post specifically. This post I hope you do read, though I won't send it to you. I won't have direct contact with you of my own volition, and I'll do all in my power to avoid contact that you initiate.

I am actually trying to get over you. I'm trying very hard. I have some regrets about choices that I made while we were together, and I know that I made mistakes. I wish things hadn't happened the way that they did.

But they happened. Just the way that they did. You and I both made choices. I don't regret the choice I made to move on with my life. It was and is the right decision. Circumstances may change in the future, but in the last year and a half I've yet to see even a hint of that change. I've repressed my urges to make contact with you because I knew that if there was change, I would find out about it. It's not as if there aren't people who would tell me.

You don't know how hard you made things for me on Friday. Black Friday indeed. It's not as if I didn't have enough on my mind already. I certainly didn't need you standing around for an hour following me and staring at me hoping to get some reaction out of me. If there's one thing I regret, it's that I was caught off-guard and responded when you said 'hi' to me. If that hurts you to hear...well, I'm not sorry that it hurts you. I'm sorry that you're still so indecisive that you can't even make up your mind what you want after I've given you a year and a half of the cold shoulder. I've done *EVERYTHING* I can to make this easy on you. You think that things would be easier if I decided to take you up on your offer and call? You think that if we reestablished some sort of relationship, it would be roses?

Chris asked you a question when you asked him if he thought I wanted to talk to you. If you can't answer that question without a moment's hesitation, then don't bother trying to talk to me again. If your answer isn't the answer that you know I want, then don't bother trying to talk to me again. I'm not trying to be mean or rude. I'm trying to cauterize a wound. It's harsh, blunt, and probably sounds cruel, but I've got these huge gaping sores that I'm trying to let heal. Every few months you do something to rip the scabs back off.

Trust me. If you know anything about me, you know that I know you. I still understand your reasons, your thought processes, and everything you did on Friday. I *get* it. I'm not angry at you. I am hurt, frustrated, and tired. You can't help me with any of those things or any others. Stop trying to. If you think that maybe I've changed my mind and it's been a few months/years and maybe I want to see you again, you're wrong. If you know anything about me, you know that I'm persistent. That's two things you have to know if you're going to know anything.

I don't alienate you to hurt you, I do it so that we can heal. You need to get over me already, and let me get over you.

If you're reading this, stop now. Get on with your life.

Goodbye.

Still here

...just been busy and usually when I'm sitting at my computer and could be producing quality stuff for you to read, I've been doing other stuff of marginal worth instead. Sorry-ish. I haven't forgotten that I came back, I just haven't really done anything about it yet.