Monday, August 18, 2008

"I don't know if you want to know, but..."

I hate hearing things that start this way. Well, that's not fair. I just cringe when I hear that opening. The problem is that sometimes I do want to know and other times I don't. The only way to tell is to hear it, unfortunately. Then, after I decide that it's something I didn't want to hear, it's pretty easy to just go back in time to let the person telling me this story know that he can go merrily upon his way without letting me be any the wiser.

So I don't actually intend for every other post on this blog to be about her. It just ends up that way - probably because she's still about the only thing that can really motivate me to have something to say, write it up, and then post it. I think this one's going up because I at least half-hope she'll read it. I don't know if she'll want to read it, but...well, she can always go back in time to tell herself how stupid of an idea it is if she finds out later that she didn't.

So the rest of the story was, "...she called me last night." At this point I shrug. What does it matter to me if she calls people? It's something she does frequently. I know it. Heck, I encouraged it. Both in her and in the people I know. I have a lot of good friends. I could still be a good friend if it weren't for the fact that my heart is still so sunk into her that I couldn't *ONLY* be a friend. It's the largest single reason why I enforce a separation between us, no matter why she thinks it is that I don't want anything to do with her. Anyway, like I said, I have a lot of good friends and I couldn't see any good reason for her not to be friends with them too. They all know not to invite us to the same events, so it's fine.

"She was in an accident last night." Oh. Now I start to feel bad about the shrug. It's not that I don't care. Quite the opposite. I think it's fair to say that I care more about her than I ever have about any person ever. That's present tense - I *still* care for her more than I ever *have* cared for any person ever. That says a lot, both about how I still feel for her, and also about the general apathy towards people that I seem to continually find myself in. It's not like I don't live with this huge list of things I know need improvement.

For a long time, I've tossed around scenarios in my head. What would happen if one of us were to die? Would the other be invited to the funeral? Would the other *GO*? Would the other have anything to say? Stupid stuff like that. Personally, I don't care what she would choose to do. I mean, I don't care who wants to come to my funeral or what their reasons are. By the time such decisions have to be made, I'll be beyond the point of caring. Hopefully someone would let her know (I can think of at least 2 who would make a point to), and hopefully someone would let her know she's welcome to come (since I've never talked with this to anyone, I don't know if that'd happen or not). Would I go to hers? I don't know. Thankfully that's not a decision I have to make this morning.

"Was it anything serious?" "A few broken bones, I think her pelvis and spine were damaged, but the doctors said it wasn't anything weight-bearing so there shouldn't be any permanent damage." Well, that's a relief. I mean, it's not as if our relationship ended on what can be termed a "happy" note, but I certainly don't wish her ill. I don't know if she's still the same person I fell in love with, but I know I'm not the same person she did.

Anyway, having that conversation this morning with a friend as he picks up his laptop to head to Michigan to start another school year...a bit surreal. To her, I say "Get better." Maybe more to write will come later.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Movie Review: Wall-E

Go see it, it ruled. Not the sort of ruled like bad movies or mediocre movies rule, but the sort of ruled like awesome movies rule. That is all.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Reinvention of the Blog...

I've decided that to stimulate posting, I should change this blog to one where I do movie reviews. Lucky for me, I stopped going to movies in the theater. HAHAHA! Now I have an EXCUSE not to post.