Wednesday, November 28, 2007

In other news....

This has to be my favorite XKCD yet.

To 'her'

Half of me hopes you read this. The other half hopes you don't. By 'this' I mean the blog in general, and not this post specifically. This post I hope you do read, though I won't send it to you. I won't have direct contact with you of my own volition, and I'll do all in my power to avoid contact that you initiate.

I am actually trying to get over you. I'm trying very hard. I have some regrets about choices that I made while we were together, and I know that I made mistakes. I wish things hadn't happened the way that they did.

But they happened. Just the way that they did. You and I both made choices. I don't regret the choice I made to move on with my life. It was and is the right decision. Circumstances may change in the future, but in the last year and a half I've yet to see even a hint of that change. I've repressed my urges to make contact with you because I knew that if there was change, I would find out about it. It's not as if there aren't people who would tell me.

You don't know how hard you made things for me on Friday. Black Friday indeed. It's not as if I didn't have enough on my mind already. I certainly didn't need you standing around for an hour following me and staring at me hoping to get some reaction out of me. If there's one thing I regret, it's that I was caught off-guard and responded when you said 'hi' to me. If that hurts you to hear...well, I'm not sorry that it hurts you. I'm sorry that you're still so indecisive that you can't even make up your mind what you want after I've given you a year and a half of the cold shoulder. I've done *EVERYTHING* I can to make this easy on you. You think that things would be easier if I decided to take you up on your offer and call? You think that if we reestablished some sort of relationship, it would be roses?

Chris asked you a question when you asked him if he thought I wanted to talk to you. If you can't answer that question without a moment's hesitation, then don't bother trying to talk to me again. If your answer isn't the answer that you know I want, then don't bother trying to talk to me again. I'm not trying to be mean or rude. I'm trying to cauterize a wound. It's harsh, blunt, and probably sounds cruel, but I've got these huge gaping sores that I'm trying to let heal. Every few months you do something to rip the scabs back off.

Trust me. If you know anything about me, you know that I know you. I still understand your reasons, your thought processes, and everything you did on Friday. I *get* it. I'm not angry at you. I am hurt, frustrated, and tired. You can't help me with any of those things or any others. Stop trying to. If you think that maybe I've changed my mind and it's been a few months/years and maybe I want to see you again, you're wrong. If you know anything about me, you know that I'm persistent. That's two things you have to know if you're going to know anything.

I don't alienate you to hurt you, I do it so that we can heal. You need to get over me already, and let me get over you.

If you're reading this, stop now. Get on with your life.


Friday, November 09, 2007

Still here

...just been busy and usually when I'm sitting at my computer and could be producing quality stuff for you to read, I've been doing other stuff of marginal worth instead. Sorry-ish. I haven't forgotten that I came back, I just haven't really done anything about it yet.